Don Jon

Tonight I watched an interesting movie, Don Jon.

It was unlike any movie I have ever watched and I gotta say, it is most definitely not something I would let someone underage watch.

However, I actually liked the movie a lot.

I actually learned something from this movie.

I'll give y'all a little summary of the movie.

Don Jon is a good looking bartender who constantly takes random girls home and scores each time.

However, he is never truly satisfied with his random lay.

So he turns to pornography to "lose himself" so he says.

And then he meets a "ten" in his eyes.

This girl pulls out all the stops, plays every game by the rule, and gets him to fall in love with her.

She makes him wait to sleep with her until she meets his friends and family.

She basically gives him ultimatums to meet in order to get what he really wants from her.

After he provides her with all that she asks, she finally sleeps with him.

However, again, he is not truly satisfied and turns to pornography.

This time, his girlfriend, Barbara, catches him watching it.

She goes off on him and he puts together a lie just in time to make her believe that he wasn't truly watching pornography.

She believes him and asks him to never lie to her again and promise to never watch it again.

Months go by, he continues to watch his pornography, but hides it from his girlfriend.

He finally gets caught when she checks his browser history on his computer while he's away at class.

He comes home to his place to find her crying and she confronts him on the situation.

They argue and Barbara ends the relationship.

After the break up, Don Jon begins seeking attention from a much older woman, Esther, who is in his class.

They sleep together after a class and she asks him personal questions after the act has happened.

Esther asks, "What happened with your girlfriend?" and Don Jon tells about how she found his pornography history on his computer.

Esther pries more, "Why are you watching it if you're getting it from your girlfriend?"

Don Jon responds, "It's not the same.  I don't lose myself with her like I do with my porn."

Esther again pries, "Have you ever tried satisfying yourself without watching porn?"

He thinks for a minute and responds, "No, actually, I've never tried."

Don Jon goes home and tries, but is unable to complete the act.

He waits a week before telling Esther.

In doing so, Esther invites him to her house where it seems to Don Jon that she does not live alone.

He begins to pry for more information about Esther.

She tells him that her husband and son died in a car accident 14 months ago.

Esther then tries to help Don Jon with his issue by counseling him that sex is a mutual experience, not a one way street. 

She further explains that the reason he's not losing himself is because he's not allowing himself to be lost in another person or allowing the other person to be lost in him.

Don Jon is then able to complete the act with Esther in which he loses himself in her and vice versa.

After this new encounter, Don Jon feels satisfied and no longer feels the need to watch his pornography.

He decides to finally tell his parents that him and Barbara are no longer together.

His parents are devastated, however his sister is not.

His sister finally speaks up and says, "I'm glad you and Barbara are no longer together.  She was only living out her romantic fantasy with you.  It was always about her.  She didn't really care about you."

Don Jon then decides to call up Barbara to apologize to her for lying to her about the porn.

They meet for coffee and he apologizes.

However, after his apology, Barbara remains selfish and self-centered by pointing out all his flaws once again and puts him down.

She tells him to never call her again and she leaves.

He sits there for a minute and realizes that he's truly better off without her and that his sister is right.

The movie ends by him saying that he truly loves Esther and he finally feels like a man.

I thought the ending was a bit strange, but I have to say, the overall message of the movie kinda hit me hard.

I never realized it, but maybe I'm trying to play out my romantic movie fantasy with my love life?

Maybe I do the same things that Barbara did in the movie and ask a lot of my partner and never truly see who they are as a person?

Now, I'm not saying that I have never truly cared about my significant other and always made my relationship about me, but there are many times that I am selfish and self-centered in relationships.

It's almost like I test them sometimes to see how far or how much they're willing to do for me, basically to see if they care.

Why do we girls do this?

Is it because we feel we have to have control over the situation at all times?

So we're not made to look a fool?

So we can be "that girl" that made the change in the guy?

By doing this, do we ever truly lose ourselves in the other person?

My thinking, at this moment, is that you don't truly lose yourself in the other person if you're always trying to have the upper hand.

By trying to control the situation, you are keeping your guard up or trying to show dominance or who's boss.

Is this really love?

I don't think that it is.

Love is losing yourself in another person.

It's giving yourself fully to another person.

It's giving them the opportunity to hurt you, but trusting them not to.

But like it was said in the movie, it's a two way street.

Yes, you need to allow yourself to be lost in the other person, but they also need to allow themselves to be lost in you.

Maybe that's when you feel that "spark"?

When you both truly let go, let down those walls, and just give yourself fully to each other.

I don't think I've ever experienced a love like that.

As I'm sitting here typing this, I can't help but laugh a little.

Who would have thought that a movie about pornography would inspire such a post, but it did?

I honestly recommend watching this movie.

It may be offensive to some, but I feel the message is rather inspiring.

Just food for thought.

Until next time...

Who Am I?

My brother and his fiancée decided to cook Sunday dinner for the family tonight.

We normally eat at my Aunt Marlene's on Sundays, but we decided to change things up a bit since my brother and his fiancée have worked hard on remodeling their new house.

The family came over around 5:00pm and took a tour of the new house.

They loved the house and admired all of Danielle's decorating ideas and innovations.

Shortly after, we all sat down to eat. 

The girls all stayed in the kitchen to eat and talk and the men went into the living room to watch the Packers v. Steelers while they ate.

While eating, the conversation somehow got turned to what happened in my previous relationship.

My Aunt Annette said that Stephanie {Cullen's fiancée} had not heard the story of my new findings, so of course I had to fill her in.

I told her all about the Facebook profile and messages that were posted and how hurt and betrayed I was by all of it.

Mainly how I felt like a fool for believing my relationship was real and true.

But enough with that talk.

This is not what my post is about.

After telling my sob story, my Aunt Annette asked if I had ever seen the movie "Runaway Bride" with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere.

Surprisingly, I had not watched the entire movie, but had seen bits and pieces that I had caught on TV.

She continued to explain that every time she watched the movie, she thought of me. 

I didn't quite understand, mainly because from what I knew about the movie, this woman was a maneater and ran away from her men.

How could this remind her of me?

I'm always getting broke up with... I'm never the one running away.

And I'm most definitely not a maneater.

My mother just said, "Oh Hope! We are going to watch the movie tonight.  I know exactly what Annette is trying to say!"

I just brushed it off and decided to walk into the living room to finish watching the game.

I had enough with the spotlight shining on me and all my issues.

Dinner ended, the family left to go home and my mother, of course, did not forget about watching the movie.

She found the movie on Netflix and told me that I had to sit down and watch it with her.

So, we began watching the movie...

I have to say, it took a while before I understood why it made my Aunt think of me.

It took until the part when Bob was ordering food, ordered an omelet, and Maggie ordered the same.

Ike {Richard Gere} realizes that Maggie always conforms to her chosen partner.

Ike makes the connection and asks her previous three husbands attempts what type of eggs Maggie likes.

They each tell him "same as me".

Maggie {Julia Roberts} would always adjust her interests to match whoever she was with.

It was as if she was never truly herself in the relationship.

Maggie finally realizes this after Ike confronts her on the matter and she runs away from husband attempt number four, Ike.

Although Ike is her true soulmate, Maggie had to do this in order to truly find out who she is.

 

Maggie moves to New York, begins selling her light fixtures, and sits down and tries every type of egg to discover which type she truly likes.

She finds out that she really likes eggs benedict. 

She then shows up at Ike's apartment to explain to him the real reason why she ran from him.

She tells him that with every other guy she was engaged to, she was engaged to the idea she had created for them other than the real her.

However, with Ike, he knew the real her... But she didn't know the real her herself. 

So, she had to run away in order to find herself, who she really was.

In the end, she turns in her running shoes to Ike, and they end up getting married.

It was like I had an epiphany at the end of the movie.

I don't think that I truly know who I am as a person.

I see so many similarities in myself with Maggie {although it is just a movie}.

I never realized how I conform to whoever I'm dating, but I see it now.

For example, with Andy, I started listening to the music he loved and pretended to like it too.

With Kyle, he loved to play the piano and football, so I showed an increased interest in those things.

With Taylor, of course it was baseball.

Now, I liked baseball before because I spent many nights at the ballpark with my little brother, but not to the point I showed to Taylor.

With Paul, I pretended to love to go out and party on the weekends.

Why do girls do this?

Is it because we're afraid to show who we really are?

Afraid that someone won't like us if we don't like what they like?

 

 

 

 

I've never really sat down and just thought about what I love to do, until now.

I love to watch movies with my family.

Every weekend, my family always rents movies and we watch them throughout the course of the weekend.

This is something that I really enjoy doing or just spending time with my family in general. 

 

 

 

 

Family dinners are something I cherish.

I thoroughly enjoy getting together with my family and just talking about everything that has gone on during the week.

I especially love to get my Aunt Annette's point of view on things.

She always knows the right thing to say and usually she can predict how things are going to happen. {hasn't been wrong yet!}

 

 

I also love to listen to music and sing along.

Now, I am a terrible singer, but this is something I enjoy.

Especially when I'm taking a shower and getting ready in the mornings.

My morning routine consists of turning on my favorite Pandora radio station, taking a shower, and then I sit on the sink with my feet inside the sink and I fix my hair and makeup as I sing along to the music.

Along with my music obsession, I love to blare my music rather loud while I'm driving somewhere.

This is normally due to the fact that I want to tune out my own voice.

One of my favorite things to do is plug up my iPhone to my radio, open up my music, and hit shuffle on my entire song list.

And I always think to myself, whatever song plays first is the song that is going to determine my mood for the day.

Now, between me and you, if I don't like the song, I do go back to my song list and hit shuffle again until I find a song that works with my current mood.

If I am upset, I will blast music as loud as I can in my car and I will sing to the top of my lungs.

Sometimes to the point where it seems like my voice is going to crack or the tears begin falling.

Maybe this is weird, but its who I am.

It's what I like to do.

 

 

 

My two baby cousins, Kathryn and Jaken, bring out the future mother in me.

I never really wanted to have kids {and most definitely still not to that point on my life} until Kathryn and Jaken came into the world.

They are the two cutest and sweetest individuals I have ever met.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kathryn calls Jaken, Jakey, and Jaken calls Kathryn, Sissy.

They always wear me out when we play {kids definitely have more energy than us old folks} but I can honestly say I've never smiled or laughed more than I do with them.

I also like to look up project ideas on Pinterest.

Although, most of them never actually get done, I love to look up possible fun crafty projects that I might possibly want to do one day.

I love to write in my planner.

I like to plan out exactly what I have to get done that day and cross out each one when they are completed.

Now, I normally get lazy or tired and the list never gets completed, but I do try.

Oh, and if I do something that I didn't write down beforehand, I always write it down and then cross it off.

Maybe it's the satisfaction of crossing something off a list that I like? 

I'm not really sure.

 

I love to decorate my apartment for holidays and make my place seem more homey. 

Every time I go to Walmart, I am constantly in the home department looking at new rugs, curtains, and bed spreads.

I also love to change around my bedroom and furniture.

I haven't had a chance to do this in my new apartment, but this is something that I really enjoy doing.

I know that I wrote a post about how I always change my bedroom when I go through a breakup, so I guess this isn't something new that you didn't already know.

Also when I go to Walmart, I really enjoy playing around in the toys and getting closer to my inner child, so to speak.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This usually occurs when I venture to Walmart with my younger brother, Jared. 

I'm not really a big sports person.

I don't follow any one sports team and I really don't understand the game of football.

I like Eli Manning, but that's about it with football.

I like UK basketball, mainly because I did my undergrad there.

I like baseball and if I had to choose a team, it would be the Reds, but I don't follow them.

I was always a cheerleader growing up and never really liked to get sweaty or dirty.

Maybe that aspect about me doesn't attract certain guys.

So what?

 

My brothers mean the world to me. 

 

We have our fights and there are many times that we don't get along, but I know those two boys would move mountains for me and I would do the same for them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My older brother, Jonathan, is very determined and serious {although you can't tell in this picture, haha}.

He keeps me on track and always makes sure I do the right thing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My younger brother, Jared, is very sweet and caring.

He brings out the immature side in me and makes my heart grow a few sizes when it needs to.

I have three shows that I do not miss.

Revenge, Betrayal, and Pretty Little Liars.

They are always recorded and sometimes watched more than once.

 

My dog, Mena, is my best friend.

She has spent many late nights awake with me learning all about immunology and pharmaceutics.

She has also spent many late nights awake with me licking away my tears as I cried.

She is my cuddle buddy every night when we lay down to go to sleep.

She is my protector anytime anyone new comes to the door or visits.

She is my source of happiness when I'm not feeling so happy.

And she is my source of laughter when I need it the most.

 

 

 

I want to travel all over the world.

I have a board on Pinterest that is full of places I want to visit one day.

I have only traveled one place on my own and that was to Chicago.

I didn't get to spend near enough time out visiting the city, but it was an experience I will never forget.

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is a chapter in my life that I miss terribly and that is the chapter when I was a teacher.

After seeing my old kiddos at the Christmas party last week, I realized how much I missed seeing their sweet faces.

They would always bring joy to my life every day, no matter what mood I was in.

 

 

 

 

 

Especially one little child individually, Thomas. 

You never realize that while you're teaching these young kids information they are going to need in the future, they also teach you about yourself.

I learned a lot about myself during this chapter in my life.

I learned how to become more caring and loving to others.

I learned how to be strong and independent.

Although I miss that chapter badly, I have enjoyed this new one I have just begun.

 

So far, I have met many new faces and became close to a few.

 

 

 

First snow in Grundy!

Me, Kimi, and Hillary had to go outside during our break from class to take a picture with the snow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Kappa Psi glow party with my two new best friends, Kimi and Sheema!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My big brother, Leslie, has made me feel so special all throughout my pledging to Kappa Psi!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Kappa Psi pledge class after our last final of our first semester of pharmacy school!

Some pictures from the ACP Christmas Party!

 

 

 

I have a lot to learn about myself.

I've never really taken the time to get to know myself.

I always jump into a new relationship and adapt to whoever he is.

I guess that's what always gave me the feeling of being needed, wanted, and necessary.

I've never just been enough for myself.

Maybe it's time to finally learn more about who I am.

 

Until next time...

 

 

Learn How To Love

 Be gentle.

Fill yourself up with love instead of hate.

Fill yourself up with art, books, knowledge, experiences.

Surround yourself with people who have nothing but love to give.

These things, they are important.

They will help you learn how to love. 

Change Your Mind, Change Your Life

My little brother said something to me the other day that really got me thinking.

He said, "Sis, did you know that emotional pain lasts less than 20 minutes and then the rest is self-inflicted?"

I responded, "Jared, that's nonsense.  People hurt all the time.  Heck, when I go through a break up, it takes me a minimum of a few months to get over the idiot before really moving on." 

Jared just looked at me and shook his head, "Proven psychological fact, sis.  Believe what you want, but I'm believing the facts."

I just laughed at my little 19 year old brother and thought to myself, this child has so much learning and growing up to do.  

He obviously doesn't know what he's talking about or never really had his heart broken.

But after he left my room, my mind began to wonder...

Am I really making myself remain upset and sad?

Am I really self-inflicting pain and sorrow and self pity?

Then a saying came to my mind that my mother always says to me, "You can either be pitiful or powerful, but you can't be both.  Choose wisely."

When going through a break up, the first couple of days are always the worst.

They're filled with constant crying, rereading old texts, looking at pictures when we were happy, etc etc. {AKA - SELF-INFLICTING PAIN}

However, I didn't realize this was self-inflicting pain until my "wise" immature little brother relayed his psychological fact to me.

After a few days of being pitiful, I usually get pissed off and go on a "deleting" spree.

I delete every picture, every text, phone numbers, etc.

I throw away birthday cards, anniversary presents, anything that reminds me of "him".

{I can be such a 'girl' sometimes.. I know.. Immature}

So the "deleting" process is over.

I feel so liberated, for a couple hours at least.

And then I think to myself... Wait! What if we get back together and I just threw away all our stuff?

And then I usually cry again and begin the "looking" process.

The "looking" process consists of looking at his Facebook page to see old pictures of him or stalking his Twitter to see what new girl he's chatting it up with.

It's pathetic really and I can't believe I'm sharing this with all of my readers.

But hey, I know deep down that each and every one of you {guys and girls included} have done the same... Even if you don't want to admit it.

Shh, your secret is safe with me. 

Once again, this is all self-inflicting pain.

I always thought this was the 'moving on process'. 

But doing this stuff doesn't help me move on at all.

It keeps me locked in the moment.

The moment in which he has control over my life and my emotions still.

Didn't I break up with him for a reason? 

Because I didn't want to feel the way he made me feel anymore?

We won't get into all that went wrong in my previous relationship.

Nor am I going to bash someone and their character on the Internet for everyone to read.

We all have our reasons for why relationships don't work out.

 And we will just leave it at that... My previous relationship did not work out for me or what I wanted in the future.

Back to the reason for this post... My little brother's wise words that opened my eyes.

Every time I look back at an old picture, I am self-inflicting pain.

Every time I look at his Facebook profile, I am self-inflicting hurt.

Every time I hear a song that reminds me of him and I don't change it, I am self-inflicting agony.

Every time I receive a text from him and I respond, I am self-inflicting heartache.

Enough with the self-inflicting.

Enough.

{You all will have to remind me to thank my "wise" immature little 19 year old brother}

On another note, I heard a song on The Voice finale last night that completely encompassed my mind.

The song is "I lived" by OneRepublic.

The words are so beautiful and have such a great message behind them.

I'm just going to post the chorus below for you all.

"I, I did it all.

I, I did it all.

I owned every second that this world could give.

Saw so many places, the things that I did.

Yeah, with every broken bone, I swear I lived."

I want to do it all.

I want to experience everything this world has to offer me.

I want to travel the world and see so many places.

I want someone who wants to LIVE this beautiful life with me.

Someone who wants to experience everything the world has to offer with me.

2014 is just around the corner.

Just a mere 14 days away.

It's time to change my mind and the way I think.

It's time to actually live my life.

Live my life and be happy with every single moment.

I can do this by self-inflicting happiness.

Self-inflicting excitement.

Self-inflicting laughter.

Self-inflicting love.

I'm beyond ready for a new beginning.

Until next time...